Here are some thoughts that go through my head as I prance around town.
"Why are you honking? Stop honking!"
"Is that a celeb? I think it's Chuck Sheen" (not Chuck Sheen)
"That girl is definitely a model, because she is crazy skinny and looks bored out of her mind."
"I can't believe there is no Burmese food in this town."
"These rats are disgusting. They hypnotize me."
So far since I have been in New York I have seen 3 people drop things (personal papers, money, lottery tickets) and then I handed it back to them. I am a good person now. I am a good New York person.
I like going to the movies alone. I see the advantage in going with someone else to the movies, so you can talk about it afterward. But sometimes I don't want to talk about it, I just want it all to myself. My movie!
Totes McGotes
Monday, September 13, 2010
the handshake
It blows my mind that there are people in this world who don't know how to shake hands. There are approximately TWO things a person needs to know for a successful handshaking experience.
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
How is it that at least 50% of the people I shake hands with do it wrong? Why the hell didn't someone teach you how to do it?
I've been struggling with which is worse, the limp fish from a man or from a woman. I can't decide. I guess it depends on the clam level. Well that's it, that's it right there. If you ever want to tell someone that "I am so oblivious and nobody has ever bothered to show me how to shake a hand" you hand them a cold, clammy dead fish.
What is wrong with you?
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
I can' t fucking believe people don't know this.
But hey, I will look on the bright side. Being myself and not having anything amazing to offer, at least I have the handshake down. I'll always have that. Always and forever.
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
How is it that at least 50% of the people I shake hands with do it wrong? Why the hell didn't someone teach you how to do it?
I've been struggling with which is worse, the limp fish from a man or from a woman. I can't decide. I guess it depends on the clam level. Well that's it, that's it right there. If you ever want to tell someone that "I am so oblivious and nobody has ever bothered to show me how to shake a hand" you hand them a cold, clammy dead fish.
What is wrong with you?
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
I can' t fucking believe people don't know this.
But hey, I will look on the bright side. Being myself and not having anything amazing to offer, at least I have the handshake down. I'll always have that. Always and forever.
how to raise kids
I know how to raise kids. It's so fucking easy.
First, if you ever decide to take them onto a plane, you give them baby drugs. And if you don't have any baby drugs, you make them run around all day long, under the guise of having fun, until they are so utterly exhausted that they finally SHUT THE FUCK UP.
If your kid is crying about something, you tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP or else you are going to FUCKING KILL THEM.
See, I know how to raise kids.
First, if you ever decide to take them onto a plane, you give them baby drugs. And if you don't have any baby drugs, you make them run around all day long, under the guise of having fun, until they are so utterly exhausted that they finally SHUT THE FUCK UP.
If your kid is crying about something, you tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP or else you are going to FUCKING KILL THEM.
See, I know how to raise kids.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
songs I am embarrassed to admit liking
Chamillionaire - Ridin' Dirty
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
dream last night
this should be prefaced with the fact that I had two yagerbombs at happy hour the night before.
scene: Volcano erupting in Pittsburgh, PA. I fly around the crater to examine the damage. I see trees with the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. They can only be decribed a cross-sections of citrus fruits, all different colors, in a flowery shape. I was very happy to see them and wanted to remember to draw them when I woke up. Cannot do them justice.
I fly into the volcano and at the very bottom looks like the entrance to a sewer. I contemplate entering the sewer, but decide that might not work out very well.
Fast forward---I am in my room at home. My roommate Eva is trying to plan a party and is asking my opinion about things. I feel something floating in my mouth, I pull it out and it is a tooth. I feel the space where it is missing. Then I feel more teeth floating in my mouth, about 3 or 4, I take them out but cannot find the holes that they created. I start freaking out, naturally, and try to put the teeth back in but to no avail. Now the teeth start moving around, I cannot control them, they have a mind of their own. I start clenching my teeth, and I cannot unclench my jaw. My severe jaw clenching has pushed my teeth up into the gums, I stuggle to pull them out. Half of my teeth are in my hand, the other half are buried deep within my gums. Eva is still asking my opinion about party matters, but I can't unclench my jaw to tell her that there is no way I am going to the party because I have no teeth. I get on the phone to call the dentist. Receptionist answers, gives me another number to call, but I can't hear the digits. I ask her to repeat, she tells me she needs to put me on hold because they are so busy they don't know when they will have time to see me. Heart sinks about as deep as my teeth are lodged in my head. I start to wake up, thinking I need to find the dentist's number. Wake up more, feel my teeth in my mouth using my tongue. Crisis averted...but for how long?
Just another bimonthly teeth falling out dream. Although certainly the most disturbing one to date. Can't wait to top it.
and scene
scene: Volcano erupting in Pittsburgh, PA. I fly around the crater to examine the damage. I see trees with the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. They can only be decribed a cross-sections of citrus fruits, all different colors, in a flowery shape. I was very happy to see them and wanted to remember to draw them when I woke up. Cannot do them justice.
I fly into the volcano and at the very bottom looks like the entrance to a sewer. I contemplate entering the sewer, but decide that might not work out very well.
Fast forward---I am in my room at home. My roommate Eva is trying to plan a party and is asking my opinion about things. I feel something floating in my mouth, I pull it out and it is a tooth. I feel the space where it is missing. Then I feel more teeth floating in my mouth, about 3 or 4, I take them out but cannot find the holes that they created. I start freaking out, naturally, and try to put the teeth back in but to no avail. Now the teeth start moving around, I cannot control them, they have a mind of their own. I start clenching my teeth, and I cannot unclench my jaw. My severe jaw clenching has pushed my teeth up into the gums, I stuggle to pull them out. Half of my teeth are in my hand, the other half are buried deep within my gums. Eva is still asking my opinion about party matters, but I can't unclench my jaw to tell her that there is no way I am going to the party because I have no teeth. I get on the phone to call the dentist. Receptionist answers, gives me another number to call, but I can't hear the digits. I ask her to repeat, she tells me she needs to put me on hold because they are so busy they don't know when they will have time to see me. Heart sinks about as deep as my teeth are lodged in my head. I start to wake up, thinking I need to find the dentist's number. Wake up more, feel my teeth in my mouth using my tongue. Crisis averted...but for how long?
Just another bimonthly teeth falling out dream. Although certainly the most disturbing one to date. Can't wait to top it.
and scene
english language gems
mumbo jumbo
scrubbing bubbles
slap happy
contractual obligations
crispy apples
lap desk
scrubbing bubbles
slap happy
contractual obligations
crispy apples
lap desk
Friday, May 7, 2010
my manager's response to my "I quit."
"I don't care let's just get some warm bodies to fill that chair ASAP."
haha oh worthless job. A little icing on the cake as my parting gift.
haha oh worthless job. A little icing on the cake as my parting gift.
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