Here are some thoughts that go through my head as I prance around town.
"Why are you honking? Stop honking!"
"Is that a celeb? I think it's Chuck Sheen" (not Chuck Sheen)
"That girl is definitely a model, because she is crazy skinny and looks bored out of her mind."
"I can't believe there is no Burmese food in this town."
"These rats are disgusting. They hypnotize me."
So far since I have been in New York I have seen 3 people drop things (personal papers, money, lottery tickets) and then I handed it back to them. I am a good person now. I am a good New York person.
I like going to the movies alone. I see the advantage in going with someone else to the movies, so you can talk about it afterward. But sometimes I don't want to talk about it, I just want it all to myself. My movie!
Totes McGotes
Monday, September 13, 2010
the handshake
It blows my mind that there are people in this world who don't know how to shake hands. There are approximately TWO things a person needs to know for a successful handshaking experience.
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
How is it that at least 50% of the people I shake hands with do it wrong? Why the hell didn't someone teach you how to do it?
I've been struggling with which is worse, the limp fish from a man or from a woman. I can't decide. I guess it depends on the clam level. Well that's it, that's it right there. If you ever want to tell someone that "I am so oblivious and nobody has ever bothered to show me how to shake a hand" you hand them a cold, clammy dead fish.
What is wrong with you?
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
I can' t fucking believe people don't know this.
But hey, I will look on the bright side. Being myself and not having anything amazing to offer, at least I have the handshake down. I'll always have that. Always and forever.
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
How is it that at least 50% of the people I shake hands with do it wrong? Why the hell didn't someone teach you how to do it?
I've been struggling with which is worse, the limp fish from a man or from a woman. I can't decide. I guess it depends on the clam level. Well that's it, that's it right there. If you ever want to tell someone that "I am so oblivious and nobody has ever bothered to show me how to shake a hand" you hand them a cold, clammy dead fish.
What is wrong with you?
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
I can' t fucking believe people don't know this.
But hey, I will look on the bright side. Being myself and not having anything amazing to offer, at least I have the handshake down. I'll always have that. Always and forever.
how to raise kids
I know how to raise kids. It's so fucking easy.
First, if you ever decide to take them onto a plane, you give them baby drugs. And if you don't have any baby drugs, you make them run around all day long, under the guise of having fun, until they are so utterly exhausted that they finally SHUT THE FUCK UP.
If your kid is crying about something, you tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP or else you are going to FUCKING KILL THEM.
See, I know how to raise kids.
First, if you ever decide to take them onto a plane, you give them baby drugs. And if you don't have any baby drugs, you make them run around all day long, under the guise of having fun, until they are so utterly exhausted that they finally SHUT THE FUCK UP.
If your kid is crying about something, you tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP or else you are going to FUCKING KILL THEM.
See, I know how to raise kids.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
songs I am embarrassed to admit liking
Chamillionaire - Ridin' Dirty
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
dream last night
this should be prefaced with the fact that I had two yagerbombs at happy hour the night before.
scene: Volcano erupting in Pittsburgh, PA. I fly around the crater to examine the damage. I see trees with the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. They can only be decribed a cross-sections of citrus fruits, all different colors, in a flowery shape. I was very happy to see them and wanted to remember to draw them when I woke up. Cannot do them justice.
I fly into the volcano and at the very bottom looks like the entrance to a sewer. I contemplate entering the sewer, but decide that might not work out very well.
Fast forward---I am in my room at home. My roommate Eva is trying to plan a party and is asking my opinion about things. I feel something floating in my mouth, I pull it out and it is a tooth. I feel the space where it is missing. Then I feel more teeth floating in my mouth, about 3 or 4, I take them out but cannot find the holes that they created. I start freaking out, naturally, and try to put the teeth back in but to no avail. Now the teeth start moving around, I cannot control them, they have a mind of their own. I start clenching my teeth, and I cannot unclench my jaw. My severe jaw clenching has pushed my teeth up into the gums, I stuggle to pull them out. Half of my teeth are in my hand, the other half are buried deep within my gums. Eva is still asking my opinion about party matters, but I can't unclench my jaw to tell her that there is no way I am going to the party because I have no teeth. I get on the phone to call the dentist. Receptionist answers, gives me another number to call, but I can't hear the digits. I ask her to repeat, she tells me she needs to put me on hold because they are so busy they don't know when they will have time to see me. Heart sinks about as deep as my teeth are lodged in my head. I start to wake up, thinking I need to find the dentist's number. Wake up more, feel my teeth in my mouth using my tongue. Crisis averted...but for how long?
Just another bimonthly teeth falling out dream. Although certainly the most disturbing one to date. Can't wait to top it.
and scene
scene: Volcano erupting in Pittsburgh, PA. I fly around the crater to examine the damage. I see trees with the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. They can only be decribed a cross-sections of citrus fruits, all different colors, in a flowery shape. I was very happy to see them and wanted to remember to draw them when I woke up. Cannot do them justice.
I fly into the volcano and at the very bottom looks like the entrance to a sewer. I contemplate entering the sewer, but decide that might not work out very well.
Fast forward---I am in my room at home. My roommate Eva is trying to plan a party and is asking my opinion about things. I feel something floating in my mouth, I pull it out and it is a tooth. I feel the space where it is missing. Then I feel more teeth floating in my mouth, about 3 or 4, I take them out but cannot find the holes that they created. I start freaking out, naturally, and try to put the teeth back in but to no avail. Now the teeth start moving around, I cannot control them, they have a mind of their own. I start clenching my teeth, and I cannot unclench my jaw. My severe jaw clenching has pushed my teeth up into the gums, I stuggle to pull them out. Half of my teeth are in my hand, the other half are buried deep within my gums. Eva is still asking my opinion about party matters, but I can't unclench my jaw to tell her that there is no way I am going to the party because I have no teeth. I get on the phone to call the dentist. Receptionist answers, gives me another number to call, but I can't hear the digits. I ask her to repeat, she tells me she needs to put me on hold because they are so busy they don't know when they will have time to see me. Heart sinks about as deep as my teeth are lodged in my head. I start to wake up, thinking I need to find the dentist's number. Wake up more, feel my teeth in my mouth using my tongue. Crisis averted...but for how long?
Just another bimonthly teeth falling out dream. Although certainly the most disturbing one to date. Can't wait to top it.
and scene
english language gems
mumbo jumbo
scrubbing bubbles
slap happy
contractual obligations
crispy apples
lap desk
scrubbing bubbles
slap happy
contractual obligations
crispy apples
lap desk
Friday, May 7, 2010
my manager's response to my "I quit."
"I don't care let's just get some warm bodies to fill that chair ASAP."
haha oh worthless job. A little icing on the cake as my parting gift.
haha oh worthless job. A little icing on the cake as my parting gift.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What is grandmother?
A little more job jarg for you.
Picture it:
San Francisco
2010
manager type
Asian
"Get jump on top of it"
and
"Leave it open until you can close it."
These are my meeting gnotes. Two things:
I can't blog the cartoons I drew.
I am going to start adding unnecessary "n's" to words.
gnoted.
Picture it:
San Francisco
2010
manager type
Asian
"Get jump on top of it"
and
"Leave it open until you can close it."
These are my meeting gnotes. Two things:
I can't blog the cartoons I drew.
I am going to start adding unnecessary "n's" to words.
gnoted.
es una poema
Esta es una poema que escribi en mi cama esta manana.
This is a poem that I wrote in my bed this morning.
I am an American
I'm a real American
I am a believer
in suggestions
I am overeating
I am seeing
the glossy pages
I am peeing
I am thinking
I am in the back
of my head
I am screaming
I am silent
I have rolled over
I am taking
what is given to me
This is a poem that I wrote in my bed this morning.
I am an American
I'm a real American
I am a believer
in suggestions
I am overeating
I am seeing
the glossy pages
I am peeing
I am thinking
I am in the back
of my head
I am screaming
I am silent
I have rolled over
I am taking
what is given to me
Thursday, April 15, 2010
work jargon
For anyone who needs a few phrases to use at work to impress your boss, please see below list. These are all direct from the mouth of an actual boss, so they have been verifed and confirmed by the proper parties.
1. Dive right in
2. Put the brakes on
3. Roll 'em up
4. Push back
5. Button it up
6. Raise the red flag
7. Drop it down
8. Zip it up
9. Give a yell
10. Keep it on your radar
11. Coming down the pipe
Also, please see below for some additional words of wisdom to be used in the appropriate office situation.
1. Nothing more to it than that, nothing less to it than that.
2. There could be one, or there could be many.
In addition, feel free to use the world "holistic" as many times as you desire. It is a less-commonly used word, and so therefore you will be perceived as intelligent and articulate. Also, feel free to use it in a completely improper context, because it will not matter when everyone is blown away that you have used such an advanced vocabulary word. I have witnessed a man use this word four times in the course of a 30 minute meeting, and let me tell you, he had his business face on.
Oh and before I forget, synergy.
1. Dive right in
2. Put the brakes on
3. Roll 'em up
4. Push back
5. Button it up
6. Raise the red flag
7. Drop it down
8. Zip it up
9. Give a yell
10. Keep it on your radar
11. Coming down the pipe
Also, please see below for some additional words of wisdom to be used in the appropriate office situation.
1. Nothing more to it than that, nothing less to it than that.
2. There could be one, or there could be many.
In addition, feel free to use the world "holistic" as many times as you desire. It is a less-commonly used word, and so therefore you will be perceived as intelligent and articulate. Also, feel free to use it in a completely improper context, because it will not matter when everyone is blown away that you have used such an advanced vocabulary word. I have witnessed a man use this word four times in the course of a 30 minute meeting, and let me tell you, he had his business face on.
Oh and before I forget, synergy.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
what should I do today?
What should I do today? Well, maybe I will decide what to do today after I think about what I have already done today.
1. Decided that "Crazy" by Aerosmith is way better than "Cryin" by Aerosmith.
2. Listened to a midi version of Mambo #5 by Lou Bega. Suprisingly amazing.
3. Looked for funny gifs on the internet.
4. Took photos
5. Did very little work at work
You know, it's pretty run of the mill to complain about your job, which I could certainly do, just like everyone else, but it really doesn't bother me. I don't really do anything that's too difficult, and most of the day I spend 1. analyzing the superiority of various Aerosmith songs 2. Listening to midi versions of 90's music 3. Looking for funny gifs on the internet 4. taking photos on my lunch break 5. Not working
Life is good! oh but it also helps knowing I am quitting my job in a month. Very helpful.
Oh so what am I going to do today?
Well on the menu as of right now we have
1. go for a run
2. have a drink
3. jam out with Rae (she- guitar me- harmonica)
4. eating dinner
Wow, my life is so awesome. I mean, I am not even being sarcastic. These are the choices I have, this is how I spend my days. I am a very lucky person. Acknowledgement of life's good things!
God how boring is it to read other people's lists? I love making lists, I love reading my lists, but damn I think reading lists composed by another person is just the pits. The PITS!
sayings I am using right now--
1. referring to money as "coin." It's actually pretty badass.
2. Saying "peep this" or generally referring to looking at something as "peeping it." fantastic.
So I am walking down the street today in a crowd of people, and when I get to the crosswalk I stop until I am able to go, I turn my head, and a few inches away, directly in my line of sight and looking directly at me, right into my eyes, maybe even into my soul, is a 40-something year old woman, wearing bright blue thick plastic glasses with no lenses. I had to turn my head to avoid laughing in her face, What are you doing woman? Then she disappeared. Seriously, I turned around and she was gone! She was sent from Jesus just for me, for my amusement. That's the kind of Jesus I believe in. One that causes funny things to happen to you. Now if you are a believer, one of the chosen few, you will see these miracles, and laugh accordingly.
Writing blogs is actually kind of fun, but even more fun is knowing nobody is reading it. Then I don't feel like I have to cater to anyone, who am I offending? who am I boring to tears? who am I causing to judge me? none of that. I guess I could just write things down in a notebook, but I have trouble doing that because my brain moves too fast for the pen. and my handwriting is kind of shitty. and I like the way the keys sound when I strike them down.
fight till you drop
you never stop
you can't give up
until you reach the top
you're the best in town
listen to that sound
a little bit of all you got
will never bring you down
you're the best...around!
nothin's gonna ever keep you down!
1. Decided that "Crazy" by Aerosmith is way better than "Cryin" by Aerosmith.
2. Listened to a midi version of Mambo #5 by Lou Bega. Suprisingly amazing.
3. Looked for funny gifs on the internet.
4. Took photos
5. Did very little work at work
You know, it's pretty run of the mill to complain about your job, which I could certainly do, just like everyone else, but it really doesn't bother me. I don't really do anything that's too difficult, and most of the day I spend 1. analyzing the superiority of various Aerosmith songs 2. Listening to midi versions of 90's music 3. Looking for funny gifs on the internet 4. taking photos on my lunch break 5. Not working
Life is good! oh but it also helps knowing I am quitting my job in a month. Very helpful.
Oh so what am I going to do today?
Well on the menu as of right now we have
1. go for a run
2. have a drink
3. jam out with Rae (she- guitar me- harmonica)
4. eating dinner
Wow, my life is so awesome. I mean, I am not even being sarcastic. These are the choices I have, this is how I spend my days. I am a very lucky person. Acknowledgement of life's good things!
God how boring is it to read other people's lists? I love making lists, I love reading my lists, but damn I think reading lists composed by another person is just the pits. The PITS!
sayings I am using right now--
1. referring to money as "coin." It's actually pretty badass.
2. Saying "peep this" or generally referring to looking at something as "peeping it." fantastic.
So I am walking down the street today in a crowd of people, and when I get to the crosswalk I stop until I am able to go, I turn my head, and a few inches away, directly in my line of sight and looking directly at me, right into my eyes, maybe even into my soul, is a 40-something year old woman, wearing bright blue thick plastic glasses with no lenses. I had to turn my head to avoid laughing in her face, What are you doing woman? Then she disappeared. Seriously, I turned around and she was gone! She was sent from Jesus just for me, for my amusement. That's the kind of Jesus I believe in. One that causes funny things to happen to you. Now if you are a believer, one of the chosen few, you will see these miracles, and laugh accordingly.
Writing blogs is actually kind of fun, but even more fun is knowing nobody is reading it. Then I don't feel like I have to cater to anyone, who am I offending? who am I boring to tears? who am I causing to judge me? none of that. I guess I could just write things down in a notebook, but I have trouble doing that because my brain moves too fast for the pen. and my handwriting is kind of shitty. and I like the way the keys sound when I strike them down.
fight till you drop
you never stop
you can't give up
until you reach the top
you're the best in town
listen to that sound
a little bit of all you got
will never bring you down
you're the best...around!
nothin's gonna ever keep you down!
Monday, April 12, 2010
just another blog in the life
ahh blogging. dear god I hope nobody is reading these. I don't see how they could, I haven't told anyone about it.
Blogs can be quite hilarious. I know a girl who has a blog she writes just for her friends, and at one point says "bite me" in defense of her title choice. I just think it's funny that someone would say "bite me" to the only friends that actually read her heinously awful blog. Bite me!
well what is better than doing work when I am at work but I don't want to do any work? I will tell you what: blogging.
Aaand continue blog. So how about that rain?
I feel like sometimes I have good ideas for things I want to write about. well big ol' fuckin surprise--I can't think of any of that right now. Besides, it was probably all anti-government rants anyway.
Seriously, how many days in a row do I have to read a news article and then immediately think "oh my god, everything is going to shit even more than I had thought it was the day before today." and it just keeps on going. how do you deal with it? My only answer I have come up with so far is to forget about it. Yes, my happiest moments are also the times when I am farthest away from screens of any kind. I think that every time I look at a screen I feel either angry, disappointed, frightened, or annoyed.
I was "surfing" "YouTube" the other day, and I noticed a video that had 67 million views. My first thought was "now that's a lotta views!" so I watched it.
What commenced was either one of two things.
a) me getting "old" and not being able to relate the the musical sensibilities of the (only slightly) younger generation, or
b) the total and complete deconstruction of society.
this video I watched was something called "Justin Beiber," who is some creepy little teenbot created by a record company. Well okay whatever, slapping some girly-faced little teenager all over the TV is nothing new. But the song itself--sweet jesus. I do not remember all of the words but what I do remember is how disturbing it was. and 67 million assholes watched it, including myself.
Okay so I think I am done with this blog but I still don't want to do any work.
oh speaking of work, don't you love it when you have a 2 hour meeting that consists of a guy reading out loud the words that are displayed on the power point which is in full view of everyone in the meeting? Attention "buisness types" : There is absolutely no need to read something to me that I can read on a screen that is right in front of me. I haven't made it this far in your "business" by not being able to read english at a 4th grade level. Stop reading to me! Unless it is something interesting. Like the Berenstain Bears. That I will allow to be read to me.
I watched Hackers last night for the first time. I love seeing 80's-90's movies that involve computers, because they look sooo unbelievably dated now. So in Hackers, during the "hacking" scenes, it would appear to the viewer that you are flying around in this "sub-atomic virtual world," which includes flashing lights, swirling colors, Fantastic imagery! and matematical formulas. And the best part was that these montages of inter-computer warfare lasted long enough that it seemed as though the viewer was supposed to understand what was going on. Not so, Hackers producers, not so. Floating mathematical formulas imply practically nothing to me. Hilarious nonetheless. I watched another movie a few weeks ago, made in the 80's and set in 2007, when the world was going to end! Could of given yourself a little more time, 80's movie people!
So when is rollerblading going to be cool again? Hurry up! I want to put on some blades and blade it up! all over town.
*Caution, do not read*
You know, Jesus was probably an alright guy. Teaching people, lovin everyone, being generous and kind. So then why are Christians the most judgemental, unforgiving, and unaccepting people? And not all of them, no of course not. Mostly the ones that think the world is going to end soon. Those are the ones I don't like. Because since they think the world is going to end soon and Jesus is going to come flyin down and shooting lasers or whatever, it gives them license to act like a bunch of crazy people! Attention Christians, you totally delegitimize your religion when you predict the end of the world. Jesus had nothing to do with writing that part of the Bible, it was written by humans who thought this would be a great way to control some sheep. Oh and I love when Christians in the US say "Oh...society is going down the tubes, our country is going down the tubes, our way of life is going down the tubes, and this is the proof that makes me believe that Jesus is returning soon on his fucking cloud." So then I wonder, what about Christians in truly impoverished countries, you know, countries where the people struggle to eat and provide for themselves. You would think Jesus would have made his way back by now. Religion is the worst, it really ruins everything and turns people in monsters. Oh well I guess people will believe anything, considering priests molest children and people still look to them for guidance. Now that is truly a mind puzzle!
Okay I refuse to end this blog on that note. So, what is good in the world? Well, pandas are AMAZING, I am going on a 3 month vacation soon, and I ate the most wonderful piece of meat yesterday. I feel like I can lift automobiles with all the protein I have surging through my veins! Pump it!
Blogs can be quite hilarious. I know a girl who has a blog she writes just for her friends, and at one point says "bite me" in defense of her title choice. I just think it's funny that someone would say "bite me" to the only friends that actually read her heinously awful blog. Bite me!
well what is better than doing work when I am at work but I don't want to do any work? I will tell you what: blogging.
Aaand continue blog. So how about that rain?
I feel like sometimes I have good ideas for things I want to write about. well big ol' fuckin surprise--I can't think of any of that right now. Besides, it was probably all anti-government rants anyway.
Seriously, how many days in a row do I have to read a news article and then immediately think "oh my god, everything is going to shit even more than I had thought it was the day before today." and it just keeps on going. how do you deal with it? My only answer I have come up with so far is to forget about it. Yes, my happiest moments are also the times when I am farthest away from screens of any kind. I think that every time I look at a screen I feel either angry, disappointed, frightened, or annoyed.
I was "surfing" "YouTube" the other day, and I noticed a video that had 67 million views. My first thought was "now that's a lotta views!" so I watched it.
What commenced was either one of two things.
a) me getting "old" and not being able to relate the the musical sensibilities of the (only slightly) younger generation, or
b) the total and complete deconstruction of society.
this video I watched was something called "Justin Beiber," who is some creepy little teenbot created by a record company. Well okay whatever, slapping some girly-faced little teenager all over the TV is nothing new. But the song itself--sweet jesus. I do not remember all of the words but what I do remember is how disturbing it was. and 67 million assholes watched it, including myself.
Okay so I think I am done with this blog but I still don't want to do any work.
oh speaking of work, don't you love it when you have a 2 hour meeting that consists of a guy reading out loud the words that are displayed on the power point which is in full view of everyone in the meeting? Attention "buisness types" : There is absolutely no need to read something to me that I can read on a screen that is right in front of me. I haven't made it this far in your "business" by not being able to read english at a 4th grade level. Stop reading to me! Unless it is something interesting. Like the Berenstain Bears. That I will allow to be read to me.
I watched Hackers last night for the first time. I love seeing 80's-90's movies that involve computers, because they look sooo unbelievably dated now. So in Hackers, during the "hacking" scenes, it would appear to the viewer that you are flying around in this "sub-atomic virtual world," which includes flashing lights, swirling colors, Fantastic imagery! and matematical formulas. And the best part was that these montages of inter-computer warfare lasted long enough that it seemed as though the viewer was supposed to understand what was going on. Not so, Hackers producers, not so. Floating mathematical formulas imply practically nothing to me. Hilarious nonetheless. I watched another movie a few weeks ago, made in the 80's and set in 2007, when the world was going to end! Could of given yourself a little more time, 80's movie people!
So when is rollerblading going to be cool again? Hurry up! I want to put on some blades and blade it up! all over town.
*Caution, do not read*
You know, Jesus was probably an alright guy. Teaching people, lovin everyone, being generous and kind. So then why are Christians the most judgemental, unforgiving, and unaccepting people? And not all of them, no of course not. Mostly the ones that think the world is going to end soon. Those are the ones I don't like. Because since they think the world is going to end soon and Jesus is going to come flyin down and shooting lasers or whatever, it gives them license to act like a bunch of crazy people! Attention Christians, you totally delegitimize your religion when you predict the end of the world. Jesus had nothing to do with writing that part of the Bible, it was written by humans who thought this would be a great way to control some sheep. Oh and I love when Christians in the US say "Oh...society is going down the tubes, our country is going down the tubes, our way of life is going down the tubes, and this is the proof that makes me believe that Jesus is returning soon on his fucking cloud." So then I wonder, what about Christians in truly impoverished countries, you know, countries where the people struggle to eat and provide for themselves. You would think Jesus would have made his way back by now. Religion is the worst, it really ruins everything and turns people in monsters. Oh well I guess people will believe anything, considering priests molest children and people still look to them for guidance. Now that is truly a mind puzzle!
Okay I refuse to end this blog on that note. So, what is good in the world? Well, pandas are AMAZING, I am going on a 3 month vacation soon, and I ate the most wonderful piece of meat yesterday. I feel like I can lift automobiles with all the protein I have surging through my veins! Pump it!
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