Here are some thoughts that go through my head as I prance around town.
"Why are you honking? Stop honking!"
"Is that a celeb? I think it's Chuck Sheen" (not Chuck Sheen)
"That girl is definitely a model, because she is crazy skinny and looks bored out of her mind."
"I can't believe there is no Burmese food in this town."
"These rats are disgusting. They hypnotize me."
So far since I have been in New York I have seen 3 people drop things (personal papers, money, lottery tickets) and then I handed it back to them. I am a good person now. I am a good New York person.
I like going to the movies alone. I see the advantage in going with someone else to the movies, so you can talk about it afterward. But sometimes I don't want to talk about it, I just want it all to myself. My movie!
Totes McGotes
Monday, September 13, 2010
the handshake
It blows my mind that there are people in this world who don't know how to shake hands. There are approximately TWO things a person needs to know for a successful handshaking experience.
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
How is it that at least 50% of the people I shake hands with do it wrong? Why the hell didn't someone teach you how to do it?
I've been struggling with which is worse, the limp fish from a man or from a woman. I can't decide. I guess it depends on the clam level. Well that's it, that's it right there. If you ever want to tell someone that "I am so oblivious and nobody has ever bothered to show me how to shake a hand" you hand them a cold, clammy dead fish.
What is wrong with you?
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
I can' t fucking believe people don't know this.
But hey, I will look on the bright side. Being myself and not having anything amazing to offer, at least I have the handshake down. I'll always have that. Always and forever.
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
How is it that at least 50% of the people I shake hands with do it wrong? Why the hell didn't someone teach you how to do it?
I've been struggling with which is worse, the limp fish from a man or from a woman. I can't decide. I guess it depends on the clam level. Well that's it, that's it right there. If you ever want to tell someone that "I am so oblivious and nobody has ever bothered to show me how to shake a hand" you hand them a cold, clammy dead fish.
What is wrong with you?
1. Firm
2. Web to Web
I can' t fucking believe people don't know this.
But hey, I will look on the bright side. Being myself and not having anything amazing to offer, at least I have the handshake down. I'll always have that. Always and forever.
how to raise kids
I know how to raise kids. It's so fucking easy.
First, if you ever decide to take them onto a plane, you give them baby drugs. And if you don't have any baby drugs, you make them run around all day long, under the guise of having fun, until they are so utterly exhausted that they finally SHUT THE FUCK UP.
If your kid is crying about something, you tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP or else you are going to FUCKING KILL THEM.
See, I know how to raise kids.
First, if you ever decide to take them onto a plane, you give them baby drugs. And if you don't have any baby drugs, you make them run around all day long, under the guise of having fun, until they are so utterly exhausted that they finally SHUT THE FUCK UP.
If your kid is crying about something, you tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP or else you are going to FUCKING KILL THEM.
See, I know how to raise kids.
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